a writing exercise

Taking inspiration from Anne Carson's translation of Sappho Fragment 22 in If Not, Winter.
Mine in italics.

Fragment 22 

] white, silent
]work ache, guilt pulling my throat to my spine
]face let me recognize you/myself
] 
] 
if not, winter the maybe of the cold, the maybe fear
]no pain sweetness
] white, silent
]I bid you sing sing
of Gongyla, Abanthis, taking up
your lyre as (now again) longing longing: so invisible, so abstract i might have invented it
floats around you. so light, so covering you

you beauty. For her dress when you saw it you beauty.
stirred you. And I rejoice. 
In fact she herself once blamed me 
Kyprogeneia

because I prayed
this word:
I want i want

winter

my mouth is white and silent,
my throat pulled to my spine. 
       this ache, always. let me see you.


this ache, always:
       the maybe of winter. 
the sweetness 
in loving without knowing.
my mouth is white and silent still,
but i ask you to sing

and
this innocent longing about you,
i have not created.

you beauty
i cannot help this joy. 
i might blame me 

if


i want







Interesting results, for sure. Strangely, I think the Sappho starts so tender (and is so tender throughout) and is a little more intense at the end. Mine starts intense and grows tender, but I don't think I like the effect. The beginning is so overpowering and it lacks reverence. Maybe that says something, though. I think it's honest to leave it this way, but it might be more artful to write another version. The parts I like most are the softest anyway: "the sweetness/in loving without knowing" and "you beauty/i cannot help this joy./i might blame me//if///i want"
I think my favorite line here is by far "i cannot help this joy" (thanks Sappho for that "rejoice"!) because it's... loving? It's grateful. That's important.
Although I also like the double meaning in "I might blame me if I want," fun stuff w/ the puns.